in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
