Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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