Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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