What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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