you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
