Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
