be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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