I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.