can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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