Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
