youre lurking in front of me
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
