I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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