You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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