I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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