Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
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He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
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You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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