the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
