It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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