Whoa Z and x make the same sound
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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