i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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