time to smoke my breakfast
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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