Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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