my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
