I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
