Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
