i already hear my dad disowning me
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
