I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
