I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
