Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
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I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
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if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i out mim tonsoeep
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