Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
