I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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