moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
