i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
