I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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