If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
