I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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