dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
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You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
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your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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