Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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