I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
