i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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