Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Randomize