Can i not drive my cunt home
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Randomize
