I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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