You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
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I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
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After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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