My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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