I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
