I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
