I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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