there's paper in my vomit.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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