living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
pray to the hookup gods
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
