I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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