When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
