The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
