I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
