coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
