I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
