things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
